Merry, Merry

24 Dec

Well, here it is December 24th.  Yee haw.

My stomach is still not the happy camper that we know and love it to be.  Frustrating, I say, frustrating.  So, as I obsessively do, I go online to see what others have to say on the topic of the never ending stomach flu.  Cause really, nothing is keeping me from The Glenda’s turkey tomorrow.

I texted a few folks.  “I WILL NEVER GET COMPLETELY OVER THIS AND I WILL BECOME GAUNT AND NEED A FEEDING TUBE.”

“You’re so dramatic,” Toast texted back, “You are so funny.  Just stay away from the Chef Boyardee.”

True.

But if I never see rice again, it will be too soon.

Online, I find a MORMON woman’s blog.  You know my obsession with all things Mormon.  Keep in mind though that I don’t actually want to become a Mormon, I just want to read about them and look at pictures and watch Sister Wives.  That last bit of the comment will weed out the everyday Mormon from the more fundy one.  The everyday Mormon will make it clear that it is only a tiny offshoot of Mormons that still go for polygamy.  Donny! and Marie Osmond are not polygamists, by the by. 

Anyway, so this woman is writing about how her whole family – all the kids, her hubby, herself, they all just keep going on and on and on with the tummy flu.  Her son asked to get a ‘blessing’ (hmmm, maybe a higher up Mormon popping by with oil and such) and the blogger said no and she wasn’t going to pray for healing anymore or actually really ever pray at all anymore and she was giving up and her faith in god was shot due to this never ending illness that had befallen her family.  Wow!  This was like manna from heaven for me.  Now, mind you, her post was a year old so I checked out newer ones and she is still Mormon.  I think she may just get overwhelmed rather easily, which, well, uh huh. 

I was vaguely disturbed as I count on my Mormons to be calm and faithful, gentle and sweet.  Any Mormon missionary I’ve ever seen has been a)white and b) a cherubic like young man.  Women are allowed to go on missions now though and black folks.  Now until 1978, the Mormon church thought that black people had the mark of Cain and thus could not be in the priesthood.  Something changed and they are now allowed in, although I’m unclear on just why they would want to be.

Do Mormons celebrate Christmas?  Oh they must, they must.  It’s the Jehovah’s Witnesses who don’t.  Do Scientologists?  They must, they must – Suri Cruise seems to be.  Oh, Scientology, oh Scientology, how lovely are your branches.  You’d sing that last sentence to the tune of, “Oh Christmas Tree.”

I am doing two things for sure this holiday season, regardless of what my stomach or that Mormon Mama say.  One – I am going to my wee United Church’s wee short service at 7 pm tonight.  Two – I am going to the Glenda’s and eating turkey and stuffing tomorrow afternoon/evening.  If I have to sit in a shopping cart to get myself there, I will do this.  Not sure what that means.

Boxing Day, I am getting together with B. and we are having hot apple cider – ok, so that is three.  Three things!

Now, if you had to choose between having a constant sore throat or a constant upset stomach, which would you choose?  Oh sore throats.  The worst one I ever had (so far) was in 1994.  Turned out to be staph infection.  Wowza that hurt so much I could barely eat.

I once had a flu that lasted for two months.

Oh, the Mormons.

Oh and I was excited to see that commenter Thomas is still around – just busy with his seasonal job, poor fellow.  He promises stories of his own unemployment and sounds like he has a good sense of humour too!  In 1991, I had to do a seasonal job at what was then Lady Foot Locker in Metrotown.  $5 an hour plus like 25 cent commission for every zillion sales you made.  The pregnant manager (wow, that kid is like 20 years old now) was cranky and once punished us all by not letting us have a lunch break until 3 when we’d been there since 8:30.  Wow, I was awful at that job.  I didn’t know how to greet customers, so instead I followed them around the store.  I remember – 14 easy pieces – you could somehow make 14 outfits out of like 3 piece of clothing or some such.  I still proudly remember selling a pink track suit to a woman and I made 25 cents in commission!  I suspect more seasonal jobs aren’t too far behind.

Merry merry to the Mormons and to everyone.

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