and again, back.

2 Mar

And forward perhaps.

I’m at my second all day Sunday writers’ workshop.  Basically what happens is I pay $14 and walk for half an hour to Pine and W. 3rd to a I think graphic design studio.  There are about 5 long wooden tables with plug-ins for computers and there is also free Wifi.  There’s also a couch for those who prefer that.  There are about 12 of us here, all with our laptops.  I don’t know these people and they don’t know me.  Some other seems to know each other this time and were chatty chatty until 10:00 am when the chatty chatty had to stop and we began to write.

I really enjoyed this last time and was able to write for about four and a half hours – I got a lot done. Being around others who were writing made it easier than writing alone at home. I entered CBC’s Creative Non-Fiction contest and didn’t realize until just last week that I had counted my header as words and am thus 6 words short and they are unrelenting in demanding it have a certain word count.  Oops, there goes that $25.  Uh well.  Hopefully they will still read it.

So, we write until 12:30 pm and then have a lunch break.

Oy, insomnia has been plaguing me again and last night was really bad – barely slept at all and when I did it was only to have really awful (and long, intense and detailed) nightmares.  I feel sick today from it but still wanted to see if I could write today.  Such insomnia increases my anxiety a zillion fold and that makes existing consciously extremely unpleasant.  But sitting around at home would have made it worse I think.  Anyway, I’ll see how I do.  It’s interesting because for about a month or so after mom died I had no trouble sleeping whatsoever but then it came back.  Might be medication changes, might be a myriad of things.  Those of my wee fan base who know for insomnia, know for the difficulties of it.

Anyway.

I’m still at the church job, although my probation isn’t up until the end of the month.  There’s been talk of ‘we’re not sure’ and ‘the minister isn’t sure’ in regards to aspects of my administrative work.  It is all very vague and very non-profit and church type inefficient and concerning.  This has added to my anxiety that’s for sure.  It’s not like I make a lot of money at this job- nope, not even enough to pay the basics, especially February which had two very short pay periods.  And it’s not like I’m in love with working alone in the office most of the time except when the minister is in and I’m responding in an ill-equipped way to what he needs.  I just think I want a job that lasts for awhile and that I can add some ESL teaching on to when I can.  If the job ends it isn’t the end of the world because ESL work naturally picks up in the summer and I have a few schools I am on sub lists for that I can reinvigorate.  I’ve been on one sub list for over a year and have never even had the chance to sub there yet!  But it’s more I guess the getting out there again and starting fresh.  Although I have to say that being around people in an ESL teaching job would be a great thing. I’m enjoying teaching my evening class at Langara College once a week – but that is over in three weeks and won’t pick up again, if there are enough students, until the end of May. 

So I’m in wait-and-see mode.  I’m not rocking the boat right now and asking what is up with my church job – no one seems to know what the minister is thinking.  He gets stressed a lot – partly because he is only in the office two weekdays so has lots of meetings and such when he is in. 

And bulletin Friday!  And I I messed up the bulletin and wasted tons of bulletin cover paper yet again.  Eeek.

So who knows what is best.  As my friend C. says, if I could get my anxiety under control (and, well, my sleep) I’d be much better able to handle these situations as well as my grief over my mom’s death.  But, it is what it is.  And isn’t what it isn’t or something like that.  But hard no matter how you cut it.

On a separate note, the Glenda and I wanted a bit of a field trip yesterday.  Let’s go out to the new-ish Surrey Central Library, said I.  Darned if she didn’t pick me up and we drove to Nanaimo skytrain station and then took the half hour skytrain ride (er, far) to the new library out there.  Well, well.  Well and well.  It is 77,000 square feet of library.  Four floors and designed in such a way that half ot he floor is seating and half is books.  It’s huge huge huge and new and great.  I got my VPL card all synced up to it, got a Surrey Library book bag and a couple of magazines and books.  I will definitely be going back.  A long trip for sure but I have the time (and no money but that’s not so much needed at a library, thank goodness.)

Across from the library is a shopping complex, the top of which is SFU’s Surrey campus which also looks interestingly designed.  Eeek, there is a Target at the mall.  Target in Canada is not nearly as good as Target in the U.S. of A but and however I got a few tops at a decent price.

Then the Glenda and I went grocery shopping because she knows I have no car.  Then she dropped me off so she could go to the opera with her husband and I went home to have insomnia is how that worked out.

On Friday, I hung out with the church I work at’s pastoral care minister, L.  She has reached out since my mom died, even though I don’t attend said church.  We went and sat on the beach near my place, even though it was too cold to sit on the beach near my place.  She’s quite good at getting me to slow down and think in different and healthier ways.  I’m ever appreciative.  She had to set up boundaries though that she couldn’t discuss my work issues which is fair enough as that would put her in an extremely awkward position. I have to be more careful, careful-er. 

And the offer of Healing Touch – best described as Reiki for liberal Christians – was lovely as well the other day.  S. from the church had been gently asking me when I ‘d like a private session with her and J. – two of the more experienced women in the practice.  I had it done last Tuesday after my workday was done at 1 pm.  I was skeptical and nervous but I really, really, really felt calmer afterward and for an entire evening.  I will go again to their public offerings which are on the fourth Monday evening of the month.  I will also look for other churches that do it.  There is something to it.  My evangelical past sometimes gets in there and says ‘uh oh’ but then my reality takes over and I realize that I will go with whatever helps me – and I believe it is practices beyond words that work best.  My fabulous hospice counsellor, N, who I can see only twice more per funding, is going to try some guided music imagery with classical music I think on Thursday as that is her training and she thinks it might help. I’m all for that too.  I really wasn’t so much before my mom died but then she did and I experienced grief which is, as those who know know, beyond words, deeper then.

And finally, I drop things all the time it seems.  After dropping my external keyboard and computer last night, the ‘A’ smashed off the external keyboard completely, not a trace of it left to push on.  Hmmm.  And my laptop keyboard hasn’t worked in awhile.  And so now I have a fresh and new external keyboard.  It’s still louder though than the silent typing of the lap toppers around me.

 

 

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