not great evening but then a nice afternoon

15 Sep

tracytentUps and downs.  As always, I am convinced that Vancouver’s hills go uphill no matter what direction I am coming from.  Hilly.

A bit of hills.

Hillness.

Hill yes.

So last night.  Last night I went to the ‘wrap’ party of the 2014 short programs at UBC (the ones I was teaching all summer).  As usual, it was held at the short program’s boss’ small abode.  SPB is about seven years older than I am and has a hot French boyfriend who is 14 years younger.

Anyway, the food was good (barbecued peach at one point) and the conversation nice and it was great to see some of the teachers again.

Some of the teachers brought their babies and partners and there was me.  Yup.

Got to talking and all of the teachers were talking about the great fall jobs they’ve gotten at other universities.

“Wouldn’t want to be unemployed in this expensive city,” noted one.

By the time flirt F. had two female teachers engrossed in his never ending tale of his high school years as a track athlete, I decided I’d leave.  Was my own thing – I was feeling insecure about not having a family and not having found a job.  I get insecure, which results in my becoming socially awkward(er), and I lash in and I lash out.  Unpretty for me.

“But we’re just about to have the cake!” said hot boyfriend.  Twas boss’ birthday the next day.

“Gotta go,” I said.

No one’s fault – my own insecurities and discouragement.  But it ended up just being unpleasant.  I got home and threw a few things at the wall.  No one was hurt.

The positive part is that I figured out my brain does all of that because of insecurity.  Well, I figured that out today whilst the pastor at the Vineyard was preaching.  Got it!  I thought.  A small thing, perhaps, but it shows me that I’m able to put a small space between my thoughts and my not-thoughts and observe.  After the fact of course but still.

Still.

The next step I think is learning healthier ways – kinder ways – to deal with this.  I feel like I should have learned this 30 years ago, 40 years ago but that isn’t helpful really.

After the Vineyard this morning, I once again lucked out – when I cycled pass Tracy’s she was there.  A few other folks were there too.  Some laughing and such, culminating with the photo above.  Tracy has a tent in her front yard and she and her daughter sleep there when the weather is warm.

Fun.

Tomorrow I’m subbing for six hours for two classes of Chinese immigrant women from Point Grey.  It’s in East Van-ish – the hip and cool Main Street.  Although you know, it is actually Ontario Street and not Main that divides east and west in this town.  It’s a one-off deal – I happened to send in my resume the same day a teacher had to go to a one-day training course unexpectedly. It’s quite the happening little neighbourhood house – seems to help a lot of poor folks in the neighbourhood.  The women I will be teaching, however, will be quite wealthy.  Multipurpose situations – the gym is used as a classroom on Mondays, Wednesdays and Thursdays.

No subbing the rest of the next year that I know about yet anyway.  The Saturday night event deflated me more with, well, reality.

I’d like to go away somewhere this week that is cheap and fun and writer-ish – alas, no such thing comes to mind.  The weather remains amazing.

Luciano and Dale have offered for me to housesit their gorgeous new to them Brighton, England home when they go away for a month from mid-December to mid-January.  And cat sit.  Vaguely tempting but too expensive.

If I could get a random cheap flight out to London (not likely!) I’d fly out this week and invade their space. Randomly, Luciano Skyped me this morning which was awesome.

“Liking the five o’clock shadow,” I told him, “You are no longer a pretty boy.”

“You’re right,” he said, ” I am a man now.”

They have my heart, those two.

 

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