Sitting around, swimming, and organization

15 Jun

Organization is great, yes?  I don’t have strong skills in the figuring out de-cluttering and best use of space.  I live in a very small one-bedroom apartment (but in a great and amazing area of town) and don’t have masses amounts of stuff.  For someone of my vintage, I have hardly anything at all.  But still.  Clutter clutter everywhere.  I spend a lot of time in my bedroom and not in the fun way sadly.  I write in here, sleep in here, watch Netflix and etc.  The clutter was driving me batty but I could not figure out how to make it better.  I tried various things but, not really.  M. swung by my neck of the woods yesterday and we ended our visit with a little visit at my place. Once I said the words ‘too cluttered’ and ‘I need calm in my living space’ she set to work, invading my bedroom like a team of silverfish.  “Get rid of that chair!”  “Move that table!”  “Get rid of that storage bin you aren’t using!”  “Move that bookcase to the living room and the other one into here!”  Now!  Do it now, she demanded.  She went home and I did what she suggested.  Much, much, much better.  Still more to figure out but this was a good start.  Funny how just moving a smaller, calmer bookcase into a room can help.  Luckily, she let me keep the bed.  The next time she comes by, she said, we will be working on organizing my clothes (which I thought were organized) and my two wee closets.  Phew.

And there shall be swimming today.

Bored coma.  So little work, although there might be some teaching this week.  I will find out by I think the end of this very afternoon the scoop on that. All the boss ever says to me (I went in for an hour today to do intake) is that my shirt has lifted so as to show my belly.  This has happened twice and she has mimed that, twice.  Lovely.

There was an advertisement on Charity Village today for a Marketing Coordinator with the VGH Foundation.  I applied, even though I don’t have the experience required. People who do, the young ones fresh out of PR programs at Douglas College or SFU will apply and they will get interviewed.  It didn’t hurt to put in my resume though.  I forget so much and so often, while I am sitting around waiting to see if I can get three hours of subbing in a week, that I can write.  That i can write in a way that gets a wee fan base and that makes people want to read.  I forget this. I don’t value it in myself in a proper way.  Yeah, life grinds you down or my head grinds me down and I begin to believe that all I am worth is being called once in awhile to teach a class.  I am not moving forward for a lot of reasons – not the least of which is the brutal economy out here – but in there too is my inability to remember that I can write.  Yeah, but lots of people can write, I tell myself.  A zillion blogs by a zillion writers not having jobs writing.  And I’m too old to have my writing be of value to anyone, I tell myself.  Everyone writes these days and so what do I have.

A zillion writers writing and I put my head on the ground and do not pursue that which I can do.

Instead I sit around.  I get all unstructured.  I watch Netflix.  I don’t attend writing things I could attend.

A zillion people.

Writing a zillion things.

In a zillion ways.

A zillion reasons why I don’t figure out that this is what I do, this is what I can do.

So I don’t pursue things much.  I get ground down by the endless brick walls that fly up.

Instead I wait to be told I have three hours of teaching this week.

Or nothing.

I watch other pursuing and pursuing and getting somewhere within where they want to go.

I read a zillion books by a zillion great writers.

I keep forgetting.

I can’t seem to remember my talent.

Or I do and then ground myself down into the ground thinking that it doesn’t matter.

So today I had a tiny flicker – not sure from where – that there is no need to forget.  That remembering it is good.

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