Oh, here I am


My dad died three weeks ago this very day.  Passed of pneumonia five days after I had gone to see him across the country where he was living in an assisted living home near my sister.  I hadn’t seen him in 2.5 years and his health had gone downhill quite significantly.  His mind was still mostly there although muddled, nearly silenced.  But his body was worn, exhausted, weak.

It was unexpected though – right after I left he caught pneumonia and passed away.  Tearing up.

Tearing up.

Most folks experience grief at some point in their lives – it’s a difficult one for sure.  Deep pain, intense sadness, different than I might have thought.  I wasn’t close to my dad, etc. etc. same old story but, alas, he was still my dad.  He was so vulnerable seeming the last year or so.

On it goes.

Grief I find compounds my anxiety and also makes me kind of agoraphobic.  When my mom passed,  I only felt ‘safe’ in my bedroom for the longest time.  I moved away from that over the years but alas, here I am again.

Breathe. Let it be. Let it be.

Or something like that.

My work is as chaotic as usual. I had been offered some full time work right when my dad died but turned it down in favour of part time work, simply because I wasn’t sure I could cope too well.  I kind of regret that choice now but there it is.  I end up with lots of ‘alone’ time which I both crave because it feels safe and don’t enjoy.  Etc.  I may be doing a bit longer on the part-time at UBC front this summer so that would be good. Three other part-time jobs I was supposed to have didn’t work out – Langara doesn’t have classes running, one cram school shut down for the summer and the other I quit due to its policy of allowing students to not show up at the last minute and not paying me for that.  So I’m down to two part-time jobs! – UBC for summer and downtown school.

Tis what it is there.

The weather has been lovely and I’ve been riding my bicycle to and from UBC – the to being much more uphill. Takes about 40 minutes.  The walk from the bus loop to my building is 15 minutes so it is a time saver really.  Legs are mighty mighty sore.  I cycle past a string of beaches and it is beautiful.  Then I go up a long and steep hill.  Then I feel like wonder woman after I complete that hill.

Someone was writing in another blog I read about how Jesus would appear if he showed up today (if he ever actually existed at all).  She’d seen a fellow on a bicycle who looked Jesusy  and wrote this Or is he just out there, biking around with no shirt, his pants rolled up to avoid accidents, making eye contact with the needy. (http://elizabethaquino.blogspot.ca)

I liked that description.  Or maybe he’d show up as someone starving in a war-torn country no one ever writes about,knows about, or cares about.

Or at the bedside of a dying 81 year old man whose proudest claim in life was that he was a Jewish atheist socialist.

You never do know about these things.