Nobody loves you when you’re down and out

31 Aug

cardsofwomenwomen

Or something like that, a la Eric Clapton.

Well, I’ve finished up my three weeks teaching at UBC – that was a good experience I think.  The weather was amazing most of the 15 days so I managed to ride my bicycle up and back nine times.  That was great because it saved on bus fare and helped build a little more cardio/leg muscle.  In fact, I think I overcycled a bit.  Now I am not working again and the weather has turned very fall like – rainy and cool, windy.  The roads aren’t very conducive to cycling since the weekend’s windstorm uprooted many trees (often dangerously unfortunately).  I believe one young woman was killed when a tree fell on her car.  Tragic.

I am really hoping not to backtrack from my summer of intense exercise but alas, it is what happens when the weather turns like this.  I braved the elements and swam at Kits. Pool today – it is only open for 13 more days and I wanted to take advantage of it.  But swimming in the cold and rain is not for me – muscles tense up and it is generally just much more difficult I find.  I know that some people enjoy it.  I had a lot less stamina – not sure if that was from the cold water.  It is supposed to rain pretty much all week – excellent news for plants, lawns, wildfires, etc.

But wow, the deep cloud sets in and it feels like summer never happened kinda sorta.  Everything is dark.

I imagine it is not true that no one loves me when I am down and out but long dark days make it feel a bit like that tis true.  I return rather instantly to a ‘bored coma’ from which it is tricky to emerge.  Days are long.  I might have an evening thing or two to do but it is hard I find to get into it after a coma type of day.

Gack, I always feel like that ends up sounding oh so self-pitying.  But then I think that most people who have been unemployed for four years and counting with little spurts of work in between might get close to feeling the same way.

I get panicked about it – like how do I fill this time?  I’m always looking at my bank account and thinking about my life and there is just too much time.

Ugh.

Seriously, ugh.

I have been trying a bit of an experiment –  I note that when I am writing like I am doing now, my brain is physically unable to obsess negatively at the same rate.  Hmmm, maybe something about the brain only being able to do so much at once or something.  Interesting.  I haven’t found any information on that in my wanderings on the internet but there is probably something to it.  I do remember being told that the physical act of handwriting is supposed to calm the brain.  Also interesting I think.

Uh yes, it is very windy out again.  Hopefully no more trees will fall.  Lots of streets are closed and Stanley Park was even closed for awhile on the weekend.

I don’t know – don’t have much else to say really.  I try and get together with folks and they are busy or what have you and I get annoyed out of all proportion really.  My brain comes at it from a rather exhausted perspective rather than I guess sort of an accepting perspective.  Difficult.

There had been a possible couple of job leads but those came to not- one place that trains immigrants (almost entirely Filipino women) to be health care aides was looking for an ESL teacher.  I could tell they were trying to appear very very professional in terms of setting up the interview, etc but I knew there was something rotten in the state of D-M when I left a phone message.  The outgoing message spoke of how this one call to D-M would be life-changing – how taking their health care courses would transform people’s lives.  Uh huh.  The interview itself – bright and early on a Saturday! morning had been so-so – the owner/boss was icy and seemingly deliberately so.  Very dismissive.  I hadn’t heard after a few weeks but I was annoyed so I sent an e-mail saying surely they must have e-mailed me back but I must have missed it.  “It would obviously be the professional thing to do,” I wrote.  The assistant, so insistent on professionalism before, merely wrote back that they had ‘obviously found someone else.”  Lovely.

The other place was a Chinese cram school that seemed to pay fairly decently – but then they just disappeared, poof.  This was after they had sent me e-mails trying to set up what were basically some illegal English classes.  Long story, ridiculous story.short – they disappeared on me.  If you heard at all about the school that against the city’s wishes put up a neon sign at Granville and Broadway – that might be them.

So much cowboy school everywhere.  Gross.

Depressed and bored, no way around it.  I am always trying though – some days are just longer than others.

Don’t want to end on a depressing note – because that is, well, depressing.  Let’s see, let’s see.  The blurry picture above is a picture of a card.   The woman who did the picture has a whole series of these, some available at the downtown library shop.  I have it by my bed.  Makes me smile.

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